When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Carcinogenic life-reducing pleasure vs aspartame-induced neuronal damage rapture. Which one is more detrimental to one's health, I wonder. Being limited to a mug of diet coke a day is tantamount to being restricted to only lighting up a stick a day. Aikes. Bad.
I'm suffering from withdrawal.
Coffee is just as bad. Even worse, maybes. I read an article somewhere which says that a prolonged intake of caffeine, of all things, increases the chances of miscarriage many folds. Hm. =)
I just chanced upon my Muslim cluster mate making dinner with her boyfriend in the kitchen, again. She and my PRC cluster mate take turns occupying the kitchen to make dinners with their partners. It's one kind fun to cook for someone, for it's just that bit inconvenient and too much of a hassle to do it in PGP. The works of a kitchen - from crockery, utensils, cutlery, dish washing liquids etc etc - must be brought over. Then comes the storing part. Leave your stuff near the kitchen sink, and be prepared to have them used, and left unwashed in the sink. Not nice right? So forget it. Aikes.
Don't you think cooking is an extremely *erm* uxorial thing to do? To make a home-cooked meal feels so much more intimate, warm, and loving, then an expensive meal at the restaurant with tongue-twisting menus and a towering violinist arching his spine next to you. The two feelings are completely different. The former, contentment; the latter, wooed.
Erm I think I am one kind slow. Does "Bape" mean ape babe/ babe ape?
Mood: Sleepy, yet unable to sleep due to an inexplicable and out-of-place excitement
Music: All the vagabond MP3s that reside quietly in various folders of my lappie (Da Pump! Da Pump!)
I tried to sleep a while ago. Yet I can't get to sleep. (Hmm...that sounds familiar. Does this always happen to me?) Flitting thoughts flapped their gaudy butterfly wings in my head as I laid on my bed, taking in the residual pheromones that drift up my nasal passages from my sniffable and huggadelic pillow. I love enveloping my arms around this lil Sniffy of mine, feeling the coolness of the fabric and the softness of the fillings. Like a baby resting on a puffy cloud up in the heavens lit by starlight. =)
Thought: It's amazing how soon he and I -we- got together. B-Boss, Lips, Heaven and Earth, Raffles Annex, SPE basketball court, Centro/ Marina Square, and finally Hideout. Wait, that's more than I expected. It felt like a really short span of time though. All the events seem stringed together like a pearl necklace - it's rather hard to know where everything started and where everything ended. I can vividly remember my erratic heartbeats and nauseating confusion when he held my hand across the basketball court and outside Centro. All that stuttering and stammering, with words choking my every breath... =) Sweet memories. Sweet December. Dolce vita.
I feel as though I know him, so much so that our souls are entwined together, every one of our cells fused in continuity and every capillary weaved together in a grand, complete tapestry. His brain fibres teasing my mind; his smile, forever mine. Yet on the other hand, I sometimes see a stranger beside me, his thoughts and mental processes warped and spiked and totally alien and difficult to appreciate and comprehend. Those times I can only tell myself to step back and accept him for who and what he is, and wait patiently for understanding to dawn much later.
What attracted me to him in the first place? Or what prevented me from being attracted to him at the beginning? I suspect excellent marketing, heavy advertising, ceaseless persuasion and countless words of encouragement played a major part in swaying my position as a high priestess in my lil nunnery on a hilltop. That is undeniable. Nothing else could have explained my crush for him that dwelled on the borders of madness and insanity. Sense and logic vs feelings and desire. Head vs heart.
Within the sixty days or so that we've been together, he's taught me more things about life than I could ever have hoped to learn in the same time frame on my own. I've said it and I'll say it again: His words have a strange effect on me.
Why do I switch off and "conveniently" forget things? Hm... do I really have such a powerfully brilliant memory to start with? I recollect a conversation with a Melbournian friend once. He ICQed me out of the blue to ask a rather hard to answer question, "Do you really have a photographic memory?"
Erms. I'm afraid not. My reply to him was short and simple, "I am human." I may remember certain things that others don't. But I find it hard to remember things that most people come across as easy. I can remember certain numbers that I've dialled a few years back, I can remember certain faces and heaps of names. Or should I say, I could? Nowadays I often find myself with a blank state of mind, totally lost and spaced out. I can get so indulged in sending text messages that I don't realize that I've already venture out onto a road. Good thing that aren't a lot of traffic around when such temporary pseudo-out-of-body occasions take place.
Why do I so easily dismiss the things he says? I believe I just stumbled upon the answer. He layed a thick wall of bricks somewhere in my heart a long time ago, when he asked if I would watch the movie Underworld with him. "Next week", he said. Next week came, and next week went. The next time I hear about the show, he has already watched it.
Some things I do, I really have no idea why I do them. True, I agree everything happens for a reason. But it's equally true that some reasons are extremely crafty and elusive. It takes a while to figure out a simple why. Other times some reasons simply exhibit too much diffidence and shyness. They hide and refuse to come out of one's mouth.
Internal conflict. Contradictions. Where do we ever begin to look for keys to the contradictions we all exhibit, every day of our lives? At one level our faculties tell us that death is final; but another we reject the notion and grasp at the most improbable alternatives. We are simultaneously nostalgics and neophiliacs. We commit crimes in the name of a loving God. We invent lies and we believe them. We want autonomy in our own lives, but we want to interfere with the lives of others. We have marvellous rational powers, but we follow the dictates of reasons erratically at best. Examples of our illogicality are endless. Why?
Does your brain simply run through a standard algorithm that weighs the facts and produces an optimized solution? Does mine? Or is the rational weighing of the evidence supplemented by all kinds of other inputs that may range from generalized unease or inconfidence to outright fear, or a nagging feeling that one or another decision will be the right one? The resulting conclusion, while arrived at by pondering the facts, may not be the one that you or I can rationalize verbally - or even if we can, it may be just that: a rationalization. Do you concur?
I get tired so very easily nowadays. In a way I think I might have aged considerably since my Upper Sec years. I can't focus on something to the extent of being oblivious to the rest of the world anymore. I can't spend hours on end working on my art assignments, or furiously work on assessment books just for the fun of it. Nah, no more. I can't even sit down to read a book without fidgetting around these days. Bads.
There are so many things I wanna discuss with him. Even the notion of discussing anything with him is a novelty. Weird. I find myself reporting every lil thing to him, and the strangest thing is, it feels totally el naturel. To let him know who messaged, who called, what happened in class, where I'll be going, so he won't wonder. I'm even beginning to learn how to anticipate his needs and feelings, so he won't ever need to worry. I may be a fast learner in all the vices that one can invent, but for all things good, my progress chart has a really gentle gradient. Pray he'll be patient with me. =)
